20 - A deafening shrill from Hen Pen garden

Image - Tractor Man with Chain Saw

The shrill is excruciatingly deafening and its coming from Hen Pen garden. Even louder than Tractor Man, who has his Chain Saw going at full pelt, he is making in-roads into cutting up a dead pear tree into logs for the Winter. I can see from a distance that there is a lot of flapping of wings and the noise is coming from more than one chicken. I am assisting the Tractor Man in steadying a branch whilst he cuts through; he cock’s an eye toward the hens and say’s “sounds like a lot of fun going on over there”. “Sounds more like death to me, I must go over to see what the problem is” I say. “No give me two ticks and I should be finished here” he insists. I know only too well how long two ticks is, with this Tractor Man., could be all day or longer. “No, please just stop, I literally will only be two ticks, something dreadful is going on over there"…

I let go of the branch and run like mad to Hen Pen garden. I can hear Tractor Man shouting at me but I ignore him. “What the heck is going on here” I ask in anguish. “God only knows” replies Monsieur Poulet; puts his hands on his hips and says “Women”. I am relieved that there is no obvious damage done to the girls, no one appears to be physically hurt or injured. “What do you mean women, have you been upsetting the ladies again”? I say. “Not at all" he says, "just take a look at her". Monsieur Poulet is looking towards a very anguished Madame Attitude. Its quite apparent that Madame Attitude has attitude today, she's squawking and screaming at the top of her voice. Heather and Feather are joining in with a lower shrill and straight guy Monsieur is brushing down his coat and turning his guilty head away from me. “Monsieur Poulet”, I say sternly “have you been romancing with these Madame’s”? The four youngsters have disappeared into the coup, in fear no doubt and keeping their distance. “No worries Chicken Maid!!. "Just leave it to me, I can sort my women out” says lippy cocky Monsieur. “I doubt it”, I say and trundle off and placate the situation with a fresh bowl of corn for all. “You best get back to that noise over there” he says getting the final word…

I look over to where I left the Tractor Man and “Oh my God”, he has fallen on his side with his right leg out stretched; his trouser bottom hooked on a branch that has levered his leg up so high that he cannot move. The Chain Saw is still going but at a distance. I can see that he is not hurt but I ask the question “Are you hurt dearest one? whatever happened?” “Don’t asked”, he says abruptly, “just get me out of this tree”. I desperately try not to snigger as I have never seen his leg up so high and curse that I have not got my camera to hand. Like, they do in a circus, I jump and grab hold of the branch that has grasped hold of Tractor Mans leg and pull the branch down to enable the trouser bottom to be released…

Apart from a scratch to his arm, no real harm has been done, also he is in fine voice as he gives me a lot of ear bashing about abandoning his cause. I gently remind him, when taking on dangerous tasks, that he really should read up on the Health and Safety procedures to ensure that accident like this do not happen. His dinner plate size hands lift to indicate my throat. I say, "put them away Dear One and lets have a nice cup of tea". "TEA" he says in an insulting manner. "I deserve something stronger than that.... "Men" I say to Monsieur Poulet...

19 - Panning for the Future

Having got to know quite a few people locally, that are adapting fully into THE GOOD WAY OF LIFE with tremendous enthusiasm for working their own smallholding. I can fully see the benefits why they would want to grow their own fruit and vegetables. Apart from Chickens many rear other types of poultry and farm animals for their own consumption, which include Sheep, Goats (for milk and cheese) and Pigs. All swear by how much tastier their produce is and how much healthier they feel in themselves. I questioned how this would tie them down but I am assured that there is a big enough network of self supporting smallholders in this area for everyone to help each other when and if...

Sounds good to me - maybe I should consider expanding. First things first, I have to see what Tractor Man thinks to the idea. "Great" he says, "We have plenty of Mint Sauce, so yes a couple of Lambs would be good to kick off with and they would help to keep the grass down", says the keen Engineer. "Oh No", its that black and white conversation again. "Do you know how to keep sheep" I ask. "What about their welfare, feeding, housing etc". "No need to concern yourself over that, there's always the Internet for sourcing answers" adds Tractor Man. "Mmmm, maybe just a good reference book would be better", I say knowing full well just how long the Internet-ism can keep the Tractor Man from doing other things. "Good idea" he says and goes to the Internet to find a good book on small farms. Oh no - I can't win, there goes another afternoon...

Taking the Tractor Man's arm, I steer him away from the computer out of the house and change the contents of the conversation. "Maybe we should consider having Geese, ducks and a turkey first and see how we get on, before we take on any lambs. At least we are getting a bit of a handle on the chickens just now". "Yes", he answers, "I see where you are coming from Dearest, but you still may have to pick the poultry up and you know the problem you are having with the chickens". Of course, my black and white man does indeed have a point. "I agree with you Darling but let us try and gain as much information as possible about farm animals between now and Spring and then reconsider our situation when the young ones are being born"...

My arm still tucked in with Tractor Man, we are walking towards Hen Pen Garden and all nine chicken's are lined up by the gate wanting attention or food. I point out a few Health and Safety issues with the fencing, as it is just a matter of time before something unforeseen happens. Without any hesitation, my man has his full attention on the job in hand and fixed the fencing up a treat..."Job Done" he says proudly and adds "Now where's my Tractor"?

18 - Pecking Order

Image - The Oldens sticking together

In the few weeks living our new life in France with our new found feathered friends, its good to see that the original birds have all put on a little bit of weight. I am either feeding them too much or they were not fed very well by their previous owners. The latter makes more sense being as they were only fed on corn then. I have know idea how to tell the age of our chicken's but all five have crusty old looking legs. Looking down and comparing my own, I would definitely say that they are getting on a bit but gracefully of course. The five youngsters have enormous appetites and don't mess about when food has been dished up. That is of course, if the elderly chickens allow them to get anywhere near the food. Heather and Feather in particular are quite a nasty couple towards the youngsters, forever pecking and pushing away the little ones. Of course, I do the obvious thing, put my hand on my hips and shout a thing or two - but who's going to listen to this old bird. Darling Heart says to leave them alone and they will sort themselves out eventually. I'm not convinced but then I am a novice after all. It looks at this stage, as if it is very much the old and new school, both families keeping their distance. When the youngsters get close to the oldens then the bullying starts, with a lot of pecking and pulling out of feathers. I have seen frequently Heather & Feather going for the youngsters eyes, this I am not happy with. "They are the first for the casserole dish" Say's Darling Heart. I tend to agree with him now, rather than see real damage done to the youngsters "but then on the other hand", I add, "who wants to eat tough old birds". "You won't notice any difference if I put them in a curry" he says convincingly...

Today I have started giving out the breakfast in two bowls instead of just the one. This is to ensure that the youngsters are guaranteed some nourishment in the mornings. I was surprised that the older birds still tried to chase the youngsters away from the second bowl by continuing with the aggressive pecking. To stop this continuing I stood fast between the two bowls, encouraging the young ones to have a peaceful undisturbed breakfast. When the older ones came near, it was easier for me to shoo them away. Giving them a final warning on the Curry Pot...

"So is it chicken curry tonight" says Darling Heart. "No please, lets leave it for now, lets give them a little longer, they will probably settle down" "and besides we need the eggs". I look pleadingly. "I don't think so, there's nine in the pantry today but I will give YOU more time to settle down" says Darling Heart as he goes out to check the tractor engine...

17 - Poulet Cuisine (Petit Dejeuner)

Image - two of the Youngsters

"Its terrific, the chickens eat all food scraps left over from our meals and it seems, not at all fussy about anything" I say enthusiastically to Emily and Louisa my daughters who will be visiting very soon now. Max Emily's fiance is also coming and we are all very much looking forward to the visit, even Sugar Plum is excited. I am delighted that I don't have to throw away left over food stuffs anymore, always did make me feel guilty - but not anymore. "What food do you give them", Emily asks, sounding interested. I am having this conversation via Skype with both daughters on the computer. Its free and we can chat for as long as we like, its helps me as I miss them terribly. "All sort" I respond, listing the contents. "Chopped cooked vegetable for one, they are also quite partial to potatoes, rice, pasta, chinese food and don't say no to a little lasagna". Also, they adore cheese and can get quite aggresive trying to get to the last morsel. Most of all though, there most favourite food of all time is roast chicken skin and even quite partial to the parsons nose." At this my daughters are in uproar, shouting and screaming at me at the top of there voices, that I should not be giving chickens, chicken to eat. "Why ever not" I respond. "Well its obvious why not" says Louisa. "Is it really, well then why not, I don't give it to them everyday and they simply adore the flavour". Louisa and Emily are beside themselves in anguish. "Its inhuman" says Emily, "They are not human" I respond "Canabalism even" adds Emily. I am desparately trying not to laugh and just steady my sensible hat. I have been giving the chickens scraps like this for a while now and to be honest there have been no adverse side effects. Pretty much happy, shiny coats, wet nose and not so skinny anymore - yes they are healthy, no problem there. "They love Sage and Onion stuffing with it of course". I add. "You are treating the chickens like children" they say to me. "Don't be so daft, I just give them scraps that are left over from every day meals". It keeps me happy, as I am not throwing away food and the chickens just love the interesting variety of Petit Dejeuner given to them each morning", its a win win really" Its exhausting arguing this one so I put one final question to them. "If you can prove that chickens eating chicken is a bad thing, then I would be interetsted to know more".... If you have a response to this subject, please post your comments below - thank you....

16 - You are not eating my girls

Image below - Sugar Plum

"Hello Sugar Plum, its me Scrum" I say to my husband, who is in England working. "Can't wait for you to come back home, I have a terrific surprise for you" I say enthusiastically. "Really, what's that then"? - "sorry can't say, as I said its a surprise". "Give us a clue then" he says sounding exasperated. "Nope". "If its anything to do with Tractors or Food, I'm interested, am I close" he says. Oh dear he is close - but I'm not for having my girls eaten. "You will see tomorrow, when you get back here" rapidly, I change the subject and remind him that his Sister Pauline and John our Brother Inlaw are arriving in a couple of days time and start to talk menu's. He bounces back "will they like the surprise". "Undoubtedly but Sugar Plum can we please talk menu's"?...

Sugar Plum arrives back home on time and he is beaming from ear to ear. "So where is this surprise" he says. "Whatever happened to Hello darling, how have you been, big hugs and kisses" I say, with fist clenched, "Oh yes, I forgot", then wraps his engineering arms around me, pats me with his dinner plate size hands and plants a smackeroo on my forehead. I wriggle out of this vice like grip, grab one of his dinner plate hands and drag him out to Hen Pen Garden. "There you are, our four new babies, all hens". I smile enthusiastically, hoping that he will be pleased with the family increase. The four new chicks were as yesterday huddled together by the fence, still feeling insecure and possible afraid of the older chickens. "Don't you think they look so cute and they are only eight weeks old". "Yes, you have done well and they look in good nick, but more importantly, when can we eat them"? I give him that How very dare you look and say as much. "No one is for eating my chicks", I elbow him in annoyance and start to walk away. Oh no - here come those dinner plates again but I walk a little faster. "Scrummy" - he says "stop, lets just talk about this sensibly". I know what sensible is with this guy all black and white, and engineering matter in between. He wants to eat these lovely chicks and I cannot argue with him, we had the "living the good life" conversations many time before we moved to France. Right now I just cannot be faced with this side of the good life. It was so much easier to go into Tesco's and pick up a ready prepared chicken to roast, even if they were battery hens. "I must get my head out of this time warp", I tell myself. He continues but I am not wanting the discussion, I know its me that has to get real and also how do I approach this with my lovely daughters who will be here in two weeks time "Chickens taste so much better if you rear them yourself" he persists, "and so says everyone else Sugar Plum, but for now haven't you got a dead tree to chop down"?...

15 - The Young Ones

Image - The four younsters

Its a long drive home and I wish I had left my face mask on, the smell from the four youngsters is putrid. The windows are open and I successfully rummage for tissues to hold to my mouth to ease up on the gagging. With difficulty I attempt to talk to the anxious girls that are making quite a racket in the back of the car "not long now girls, soon be home and tucked up in your new home Hen Pen". I jam on the brakes, its an emergency the gagging has got the better of me and I wonder have I got Bird Flu or some other nasty disease. 10 minutes later after a drink of water and a few deep breaths of fresh air, I am on my way again and at speed with the fan full blast on in my face. Reconciling my doubtful purchase with the fact that I shall be giving the hens a good life with much more freedom and excellent Poulet cuisine, makes me feel better about the situation...and wondering what Sugar Plum will think of today's purchase.

With wheelbarrow to hand I ease the box out of the back of the car, "no more tilting up for my girls" I mutter, I want happy hens. I wheel the load into Hen Pen, put the box on the ground and untie the string. The youngsters stay put huddled up together not wanting to move. "Uppy Duppy you are safe here, come on girls" I say encouragingly...

The five original chickens are looking on. Monsieur Poulet has his hands on his hips giving me that all important look again. "No good looking at me like that Monsieur, it doesn't impress me none, these chicks are here to stay". Madam Poulette, gives me that sideways glance and fluffs up her skirt and sidles up to Monsieur. Heather, Feather and Attitude are cautiously looking on at a distance and checking out their manicure and smoothing down their feathers. "I truly expect you five to set an example here and get on nicely with these youngsters" I say, hoping.

The youngsters slowly get out of the box, they are very frightened and instantly huddle together and stay like that for several hours. I introduce them to baby mash and fresh water, which they tuck into immediately and later in the evening I settle them in the coup for a well deserved good night sleep...Now for a chat Sugar Plum...

14 - Increasing the Girls

I am now at the stage where I am feeling a little more comfortable with the residence of Hen Pen and don't fear so much that they will peck me to death. Picking the chickens up is still something that I cannot get to grips with, so for now that part of being A Chicken Maid is on hold. I don't see it as a totally necessary act, but for now I just enjoy getting to know my Feathered Friends. Madam Poulette continues to be broody but comes off the nest each day for about 15 mins, during this time I endeavour to collect any eggs she may have laid and don't worry myself silly about picking her up anymore..

Today is Market day and its going to be a big one I am told, I am keen to get there early to see what's going on in Chicken Corner. Feeling a little more confidant this time, as I know more or less what to expect but again it is very hot, so I take with me my face mask and drinking water to avoid gagging and retching. I have arranged to meet up with "The Experts" in the hope that they will teach me the basics in identity. Again it is very popular with the Brits and the French with people buying all sorts, Guinea Fowl, Turkey's, Chicken's etc. Much of the poultry looks really ugly and dirty but most of all very smelly - not my favourite place to be and already I am starting to gag, so I walk away. {B} shouts to me "There's some nice 8 week old fattener's here Carol", "really" I say. "you don't want anymore layers" he adds, "as you will have too many eggs to cope with". I agree with {B} and not sure why I am agreeing anything but these small chickens really do look cute. I have been told that all the chickens are ex battery, instantly I want to rescue them all but I settle for four eight week old chicks; two white and two tan and been assured that they are all hens and not cockerels. The stall holder puts the hens in a good size box by my insistence, don't want my birds couped up unnecessarily in a small box. She ties a piece of string round the box and hands the box to me. As I pick up the box the first thing to happen is that the chicks all slide down to one end as the box tilted. Instantly the chicks are alarmed and start to chirrup like mad. "No problem", I say to the stall holder smiling, who was watching me carefully. My pride being dented due to my mis management of the situation and instantly realising that the smaller box would have been more ideal for transporting my new born's. I tilt the box up hoping for a better balance within the contents but then, they all slide to the other end of the box. I smile and wipe the sweat from my brow, gagging and desperately wanting to run a mile but I stood my ground. {A} suggested that I just pick up the box and carry it to my car! yes I had thought of that but I know how these little lovelies can peck. They have room enough to put there heads out of the hand made air holes and then I would be in even more trouble with the obvious pecking order.

Driving home I wished I had just settled for buying vegetables but here I have four little chickens chirping away in the back of the car, that I have to release into their new Hen Pen home...yet another obstacle to overcome...